Have you ever seen a picture on the front of a newspaper and tried to guess what the story was?  Probably not.  But then, we don’t all aspire to creative greatness.  My apologies if you can never retrieve the next five minutes of your life, but let’s be honest:  it was either this or BuzzFeed, and we both know you don’t need to spend any more time reminiscing about 90s icons or learning 14 reasons why whipped cream is so atrocious.  So here we go – you can click on the picture to see a link to the real news story.  Let me know how close I got!

Obama Loses Staring Contest, Boehner Not Impressed

After 10 days of complete incompetence at running the country, negotiations between President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner devolved into elementary school competitions to determine the fate of hundreds of thousands of government workers.  Though Speaker Boehner emerged victorious in the staring contest, two more rounds of classroom competitions remain.  On Friday, the two will compete in a thumb war, and Monday will conclude the competition with the classic hand-slap game, in which one participant holds his hands over his opponent’s, attempting to draw them back before the opponent can slap them.  Negotiations have begun to determine who will be on top.  Sources say that President Obama initially suggested a game of Rock/Paper/Scissors, but Boehner refused, calling the scissors “socialist.”

Miley Cyrus, Roots to Debut Brady Bunch Reboot, feat. Jimmy Fallon

Many were surprised when NBC announced the reboot of the iconic early 70s show, Brady Bunch.  Even more shocking was the choice to cast Miley Cyrus as “Alice,” the beloved housekeeper of the Brady family.  “I think she could really help introduce a classic show to the new generation,” said Elise Anderson, unemployed twentysomething and devoted TV Land viewer.  On Miley’s suitability for the Alice character, Anderson said she thinks Cyrus’s snarky attitude actually resembles the original Alice.  “And let’s be honest,” she added, “You know that girl was twerking behind the scenes.”  The rest of the casting has not been specified, but we all know that QuestLove will play Marsha.

First Annual “Red Rover Summit” Proves Divisive

In a new strategy for international relations, renowned boring-man John Kerry met with the leaders of several East Asian nations for an innovative form of diplomacy.  Dubbed the “Red Rover Summit” by Kerry’s aides, the meeting was intended to bring together countries otherwise separated by, well, the Pacific Ocean.  After successfully breaking the grip between the hands of the New Zealand and South Korean presidents, there are no reports yet on whether the Philippine president will be accepted onto the team.

New Left Turn Lane Causes Controversy in Times Square

Citing increased congestion, the New York City Traffic Commission has added a left turn lane to the major intersection of Broadway and Seventh.  Opponents of the addition complain that another left turn lane is unnecessary and leaves fewer lanes available for those going straight.  Supporters (who generally consist of those making frequent left turns) reason that a new lane will free up the other lanes for straight-bound drivers.  The controversy marks yet another example of increased polarization and division in the Empire State.

That’s all I have for now.  Which was more ridiculous:  My guesses, or the actual stories?