“The Tables Will Turn,” They Said.

If you were raised in the last two or three decades, you probably grew up being told that other people’s opinions don’t matter.  You were told that it was important to be yourself and do what you love, and if other people have a problem with it, well that is their problem.  When you were a little girl in middle school who wanted to have short hair and long shorts, someone probably told you to express yourself, because your uniqueness would be appreciated later.  When you were a teenage guy who would rather go listen to musicals than watch a football game, someone probably told you to follow your passions, because it would pay off when you were a famous movie star.  And when you just could not seem to fit in, and you found friendship in literary characters and wholeness in solitude, someone probably told you that all those smarts would pay off eventually.  Basically, you believed that life would turn out as some great reversal of fates à la Revenge of the Nerds.

So you trudged on.  Happy to be doing what you love, but always wondering if other people would ever accept you.  You made it to high school, and you found a niche group that accepted you…or maybe you didn’t.  Then you got to college, and found a major that was full of people like you…or you didn’t.  And then you graduated, and you searched for a job, and finally found a company just as quirky as you.  Or you didn’t.

And one day, whether it was in high school, or college, or in your 20s, or your 30s, it suddenly occurred to you:

They Were Wrong.

When your parents told you that your uniqueness would be appreciated later, and it doesn’t matter what other people think, they were dead wrong.  It does matter what other people think!  We see it every day.  The kids who were able to win over their peers in high school were the ones who got voted as club officers, which went on their college application and got them into a competitive school.  The kids in college who were popular were the ones who got into the fraternities and sororities that connected them with vast networks of job opportunities – or they were the student organization leaders who built up their résumés and knew how to make their own connections.  Even if you were the smartest kid in your school, you have realized that book smarts only counts for so much.  After a while, networking abilities, likability, social skills, all start to matter a lot more.  Everywhere you turn, there is abundant evidence that what other people think absolutely matters in the direction of your life.

…And it Doesn’t Matter.

Here is where your parents were right, though, even if they did not realize it:  All that stuff – the clubs, the college applications, the résumés, the hotshot jobs – none of that matters in the least if you have to sacrifice who you are to get it.  If you like to play music, don’t invest in music because you think some day it will pay off; invest in music because it’s what you love.  The opportunity to do what you love is more important than any amount of money or success.  If you like to read and think and write papers, then don’t excel in school because you hope it will give you success later; excel in school because you care about learning and knowledge.

This is the great paradox of what Richard Rohr calls “the second half of life.”  You spend the first part of your life building yourself up, achieving, and trying to build a personal enterprise.  Then (if you ever reach the second half of life), you begin to realize that the only way forward is to let yourself fall.  You begin to realize that true fulfillment will not come from more accumulation, but from letting go of that which you take the most pride in.

What were you told growing up?  Have you found it to be true?

What is most important in your life now?