“Shadow Self” vs. “Persona”

Do you ever get the sense that who you are on the inside looks nothing like who you present to everyone else?  If not, good!  If you’re unsure, I have a challenge: take a look at your last five posts on Facebook, and then compare it to how you spent the last five hours.  I believe some people’s inner self and their public self match up.  As for me, if my Facebook is a full reflection of myself, then the entirety of who I am is:  A proud divinity student looking to change the world, passionately concerned for the lives of the suffering, a dedicated defender of human rights everywhere, and a damn good fiancée.

These things are not necessarily untrue, but they are the only parts I share with others.  I am broadcasting a vision of myself that reflects who I want to be – not necessarily who I am.  Richard Rohr calls this the separation between our hidden, rejected “shadow self” and our public, preferred “persona.”  To answer my own challenge:  No, my Facebook “persona” does not match up with my “shadow self.”

It’s less about dishonesty than about simply living in society.  We are constantly choosing to share certain parts of ourselves with others and withholding some parts.  We interact with others to varying degrees, and they come to know us in bits and pieces.

Personas in the Church

Here is where my concern comes in:  How does your shadow self compare to the persona you offer to your church?  This goes for all people involved in a faith community.  Are those with whom you share your deepest commitments of faith also able to bear your deepest burdens?  Or do you have to put on a “persona” before you enter those doors?  For aspiring clergy like myself, the question is aggravated by the question of whether I can be vulnerable with those in positions of power in the church.

Let me be clear:  These are not purely rhetorical questions.  One of my mentors, the senior pastor of a local church, told me that his old District Superintendent knew more about him than anyone (besides his wife).  My guess, though, is that such examples of vulnerable authenticity are few and far between in the institutionalized church.

There are good reasons to be reluctant to show vulnerability.  For instance, no one wants to end up being the pastor who over-shared with her congregation, leading them to be her emotional caretakers and rendering her incapable of any real leadership.

But there are unhealthy reasons, too.  A lack of trust is an unhealthy reason.  A feeling that your true self would simply become fodder for gossip is another unhealthy reason.  When it comes to relating to our higher-ups, I wonder how many only show a projected persona that makes us look like the best candidate for ordained ministry?

Think about a person interviewing for the staff of your church, or a candidate entering ministry.  What would happen if they were brutally honest with their interviewers?  A young woman walks into the interview and says, “You know what, I struggle with depression.  There are some days I don’t even want to get out of bed.  Hell, there are some days I don’t get out of bed.”  Or a young man confesses, “I don’t know if my marriage is going to work out.  We may get a divorce.”  What would the response be?

It is an open question.  I have found room for real authenticity in churches, and I have found reasons to hide my true self from others.  John Wesley wrote about “grace upon grace” offered by God.  Do we have the same opportunity for this grace when we walk into a church?  What if we are in a position of leadership?

Where do we stand, now?   Have you found grace upon grace in your community?